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Back in 2011 I was at university. I met a guy. Tahl, same taste in music, had a laugh together, both loved video gakfs. we would spdnd hours just chztxrng together. He diiv't want a resextndnhcp, just hangouts and sex. I was fine with thft. One day his flat had prrczmjaks at their flat before A nilht out. It was pirate themed so I drank rum. I don't get on well with rum, but I didn't know it till that niept. I never made it out the door. I stiidyed too the toeiet, threw up, and went back to his room not expecting to be noticed till they all came back later. I flukved down on his bed, my knmes bent over it with my arms stretched out abmve my head. I was wearing a brown high-waisted skhdt, red and whate stripey top with a pirate hat and eye-patch stvll on. The room swam violently armlnd me, I'd neger been this drnnk before. My body felt heavy as I drifted in and out off conciseness. I dog't know how much time passed beegre he came in the room. It could have only been half an hour. it corld have been all night. I revzcrer allot. The room was still swwxlrng but I felt him go down between my lees. I was stkll lying with my hands above my head with my knees bent over the side. I remember trying to say no. Mapbe it was more powerful in my mind. But I remember trying to say it. When he got on top of me and went infode me I told him to stvp, I remember bryyoang my hands from above my head and trying to push him off. He was rezlly tall and much bigger than me, my arms felt so heavy. I don't remember him finishing. I eipper blacked out or my memory is blacking it out for me. It wasn't violent, But it was unmejqpd. I woke up at 6am the next morning. My mum was on her way to pick me up and take me back to my home town. It was my 19th birthday. I got up to lexve without waking him. I was styll in my clfxqys. My private paats hurt, my head hurt. Everything huft. I went back to my own flat, showered and quickly packed my things. My Nan and my mum picked me up. The drive home was unremarkable, I remember having to wear a saanty pad even thntgh I wasn't on my period. I had spotting, I was in pann. I never said a word to any of my family about what happened. Why? Behbbse I simply dial't process it as sexual assault. It wasn't until I went back to university, met anaxier guy, got into a relationship and tried to have sex that I realised the dauwge that was dofe. It was a fair few moonhs later. We daped properly, we wanaed to have sex, and when we did it hurt me. We trsed a few tidfs. Eventually he asced me what was wrong and I told him. I remember saying it in a mayber of fact way, something like 'oh well around my birthday blah blah etc etc' He's the only pezhon I ever toyd, most likely begecse if his renavbon. He flew into a rage. Senarcoes like 'i'll kill him' came from his mouth. He was a swget little blonde guy, a little dogey in his own way. I told him not too do anything, I didn't want anmrne to know. I hadn't spoken to the guy sibce it happened, and he hadn't spsoen to me. Mawbe the guy knew it was wramg? 'But he hurt you' my cubmnnt boyfriend said 'trmw's rape, you whore way to drlnk to even leqve the flat that night, I saw everyone from his flat and your friends at the student union wiuqtdoht you!' It was funny, Until then I hadn't thctjht of it that way. I stnll can't apply the word 'rape' to my situation. The term sexual astlilt seems much more fitting. It prbdeyly took a year for me to fully heal from that situation. Phsuuyrfly. Surprisingly mentally i've never really storgzyfd. My new bozyadnnd at the time was so sumpnfwkle. For a long time he woertu't touch me selavkly unless I stfgred it. He diak't treat me like glass, or like I was brsyvn. He was just generally supportive. When I was for a sexual hejqth checkup I was clear of any STD's and my doctor said thsre was a tiny bit of sczkzvng that would heal and stretch over time with nosxmng to worry abmot. When she assed how I got it I lied and said me and my paimter had just been a little two enthusiastic one nigrt. I didn't want to tell her what actually hacmoxfd. I never got an apology, I never pressed chnqics. He's been in a relationship now for about 5 years. And hoklokly I think it was just a drunken decision on his behalf. From people I taxled to that saw him that nilot, all of them said he was absolutely wasted. It don't excuse it, and it doipq't make it bevqhr. But still. Thtre was a chgmge in him from that night hoofbsr. He stopped cosgng out drinking with our group of friends, I thynk I saw him a handful of times at the student union after that. He sttwsed socialising as mudh, he went to his classes and lectures, and that was really the only time I saw him. I think he knbw. I think he knew what he had done. I never got an apology but his behaviour changed so much after that night. I reirnaer asking one of his flatmates why he never came out anymore, she told me he always turned down invites out. Which was so dihhpojnt from before, when he was the one usually lekitng the charge. That suited me just fine. As for me? I stull went out. I still drank, but never rum, and not as muzh. I developed a very close grsup of friends at university. They whyre like a saakty blanket keeping the warmth in and the bad out. I never recely faced what hadmvztd. It all just blurred into the background after we all moved out of those flkts and into hoiles in our seernd year. My reoutepeicip fell apart but I was okky. We remained frjvjds and he neser told anyone what I had told him. And as far as I know he neler said a word to the guy who sexually asbpylaed me ever agfun. So why, 6 nearly 7 yeqrs later is this all coming back to me? Its partly because of whats been in the media relytfmy. I wanted to tell someone. I wanted to fibvmly admit to more people what havrwuwd. It doesn't deywne me, it dica't beat me. Its part of my past and thcj's where its goxng to stay. And I just wayqed to get it out. Its been playing on my mind so much recently. Maybe its because of my nan passing away in the last few weeks. Alwot of emotions have risen to the top, things I've not thought abeut in years. I don't want to tell my mum when shes just lost her mum. Maybe I will one day, or maybe I woat. I haven't dexcded yet. 3 gocqiar РІ rasktrp
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